Things just fall apart; it’s what they do. We inevitably move from chaos into order and back again. It’s the way of things and it’s not personal.
Or so they would have you believe.
The thing is, it’s always personal! It’s always a dialog between you and your god. You never say, “Satan damn it” or “In the devil we trust”. It‘s always about the covenant between you and the maker and when it’s broken, when it falls back into the chaos, you feel betrayed.
Betrayed by the life you did not ask for.
Betrayed by the god that was chosen for you.
Betrayed by the world that doesn’t give a shit about you.
So what happens when chaos hits? Are we back to duck and cover?
I believe that the divine presence is felt most in the moment of decision. In that split second before you go left or right, you hear the calling of your intuition-God’s Voice- in your head to make the choice.
“Go left, you shit head!”
“Sell that stock, boy”
“Whatever you do, don’t walk down that ally!”
But when you’ve been abandoned, that decision-making process no longer has the firm footing as it once did. It doesn’t matter whether it was a good or bad decision. Whether the ponies paid off. The only thing that matters is that you made it with the free will of choice, knowing, it was the best decision you could make in that moment.
Because free will, is not about the ability to do what you want, but the ability to not bear the weight of decision in remorse.
Free will, is not about the ability to do what you want, but the ability to not bear the weight of decision in remorse.
I promised you in the first blog, that I would take you along with me on my search for god in whatever form that search took.
Wherever god lived, I would look.
However god acted, I would observe.
But I am not sure if I am really the man for the task. You see, I am mired-not a strong enough word, entrenched in my flaws and cannot actually hear gods words in that moment of decision. Today I see a world chock full of liars, cheats, thieves and folks who speak the name of god, but act with crime in their heart. Yet I wonder, do I most likely lead this charge?
So I second-guess myself. I second-guess the word of god.
I am not even sure if I care to clarify my position. I fight what I perceive to be the good fight, because I know of no other way. Is it strictly inertia that pulls me from one moment to the next?
I grow weary of being understanding and accepting.
I grow weary of taking the high road and turning the other cheek.
I grow weary of others inability to be honest to each other, as much as I grow weary of my own inability to wipe my ass.
I have fully grown into father these days.
One would think that with all these years walking this crazy-bizarre- fuck-all-world, I would know something about the order of things, but no such luck.
I’m just the dog with no home, lost forever to roam.