I have been crossing bridges for the past few months. Both physical and metaphorical. I would drive across them and they would vanish, beneath me. Even before I got off. I would look in my rear view mirror and the white lights of the cars behind me would drift off into the fog. The toll booth in front would lose it’s shape and the neon sign that tells you to pay-vanishes. Then the mighty towers, the wide roadways, the other vehicles…all disappear as well.
All that was left, was the space in between. The space where I dwell.
There I would fall, into the chasm of my demons. Not strong enough to keep the bridges in place. Not strong enough to vanquish the ghosts.
I came into the light very late in this lifetime. Some lifetimes, it comes early, some-like this one-it came too late. It is a hard realization to understand that when you exit from chrysalis, sometimes nothing awaits you except the knowledge that you have been changed.
So be it.
I would like the bridges to remain solid.
It is also a funny thing that for lack of a better term, this knowledge, insight, re-birth – whatever you want to call it always comes on the heels of the sorrow, plague and pain. What the fuck is up with that?
The heavens have a strange sense of humor.
I used to declare with a huge amount of arrogance and pride that I was here for the change of human social evolution. To help it on it’s way towards a better moment. (I was a hippy in those days and was so full of drugs and ego I couldn’t see past the shadow of my own joint).
But in some way I was right. I was put on earth for the change, just not the one I was expecting nor hoping for.
Just my change. My small intimate moment of truth in the dark of night.
I was/am/will be you.
That’s it. That’s all it will ever be. And the real kicker is, that is all I ever really should be.
But I was/am/will be, caught up in the mire of societal success. No amount of mediating-martial arts-Zen Buddhist-religious-cult fixations is going to change that. And there I have failed, like so many before me and as will, so many after me.
Just a simple single link in the chain, that wished to be the lock.
I look in my rear view mirror and I can see the top of the tower peaking out of the mist.
Maybe it’s a good thing.
I went out last night to see one of my childhood idols or what was left of him. And I learned some things I didn’t know.
I learned that some of us are caught up in the flow of tide and time and are carried along by this. I learned that I was not one of them and it was OK. I learned I am old and in the way. (I have been old and in the way many times before and it’s never easy). I learned that it didn’t matter if I accomplished what I set out to do, but that I set out to do, is what matters-even though I am sorely addicted to finishing things. I learned that I want success even though I am not destined for it.
I want. Even though my wants mean nothing to the heavens.
So the clock that ticks, decidedly looses it’s meaning. After ego, after illness, after winning, losing and everything in between, I am not sure what to do. The race I have fought so hard to win, looses its charms and all that’s left is;
what to do with what’s left of me.
I guess I will do the things that make my heart sing and give me joy. For as long as the opportunity is afforded me and as long as I can breathe. Time and tide will take care of itself.
Ahh, the toll plaza re-appears, I guess I have to pay.